The events of year 33 AD (note the number) were scripted. Let’s go back to the beginning.
Jesus Christ arrived in Jerusalem to great fanfare, riding in on an ass and enjoying the adulation of fans. We don’t know when that procession took place, however. It could easily have happened any time in the preceding weeks, perhaps months. All that was necessary was for various players to be in place to carry out their parts of the play. Later confusion would allow writers to place the events in a compressed time frame. That is how these events are often stage-managed.
- The apostles were a scraggly lot, and were paid actors, told to avoid bathing and to draw attention. Their job was to surround Jesus in his final days, making sure there was enough distraction to allow other aspects of the Passion Play and the procession to Calgary (the “crossocade”) and crucifixion to be played out without undue scrutiny from the crowds.
- Pontius Pilate was a key player. He was the interrogator-in-chief, charged with creating that strange court scene that was later used as formal justification for the execution that never really took place. His job: gin up some charges and then turn the waiting Jesus over to the hired crowds of extras for a lynching.
- “Spectators,” today called “crisis actors,” were selected in advance. They were part of a guild known as the Marbleshiners, after the men who polished monuments, and were sworn to secrecy. Their accounts would over time supplant actual events of the day.
- The scene of the crucifixion, Calgary, was scouted long in advance and selected for its isolation. This allowed various players to come and go at will in the days and weeks leading up to the event. Parts of the event were staged in advance of that day, with two centurions, Maximus Curryios and Cassius Fritzius, hired to pronounce Jesus dead. It was all for show.
- The two thieves, supposedly crucified at the same time, were in fact stunt men. Shortly after the fake Jesus corpse (possibly a wax dummy) was removed from the cross, and after sunset, they quietly climbed down and went home.
- We cannot have a protagonist without the antagonist, Rubius Iscariot, who conveniently hanged himself when it was all over. No body was ever found, of course.
Here’s how they pulled it off: Shortly after the mock Pontius Pilate trial, eyes were drawn to a man carrying a cross through the streets of Jerusalem in what came to be known as the “Jerusalem crossocade.” Unknown to almost everyone, the real Jesus by that time had been replaced by a body double and had slipped around a corner, on his way to a Greek island. It was an imposter (perhaps several) who was bearing the wooden cross. The various thorny “crowns” bloodied his face and served to distract onlookers, who did not notice features beyond the blood.
In the meantime an artist, standing on a wall near a divy bar known for its foul odors (a “gassy hole”), claimed to have captured the procession on parchment. It was hard to make anything out of his drawings, which were studied in detail over the ensuing centuries.
How do we know what we know? It seems three days later someone who looked a lot like Jesus was consorting with his apostles. There can only be one explanation – fake death, what we like to think of here at this website as a “reassignment.” After the Friday fireworks, new “Jesus” laid low for a few days, and then became Mr. Now-You-See-Me-Now-You-Don’t.” He was to say things like “It is better to believe without seeing with your own eyes.” He also teased his apostles, saying things like “Hey! Look at my wounds! Wait! They’re gone!” and “I can prove it was me on that cross! I’ve got slivers in my ass!” Also, “Peter – pull my finger!”
The Jesus seen after the fake death bears some resemblance to the one who rode an ass into Jerusalem earlier, but I am thinking twins. Let’s examine this.
Number them one through five, left to right. Crazy as it seems, I think we are looking at two sets of twins.
As have noted so often with twins that one will tend to be friendlier, more outgoing than the other. This would clearly be our man on the left, number one. He bears a strong resemblance to Number Two, as I am too sophisticated to be fooled by angular distortion. They are one and the same.
Numbers Three and Five are obviously different light shadings of the same man, giving us two sets of twins! Just to distinguish them, I will call Twins One and Two the “John” twins, after the famous evangelist, and Three and Five the “Paul” twins, after the man who traveled far and wide and who wrote the epistles.
This leaves number Four, who is a mere body double, and not a twin. He indeed bears a resemblance to number one, but trust me, face chops will tell the story.
Here we go:
That is a chop of one and two, and another of one and three. One and Two are the same man, but the others not even close.
That is one and four on the left, again, not even close. Four, our ringer, just a body double, might have been used in the crossocade, but otherwise was not seen much. It is rare and very fortunate we even have an image that has survived the centuries.
But check out three and five! They are the same man.
So “Jesus,” post-crucifixion, is two sets of twins and a body double. This conclusion cannot escape our technology here.
But who is he, really?
We may never know. Original Jesus escaped to the Greek island of Skyros*, joined later by Mary Magdalene, who for public purposes fake-married the island’s overseer, the ship builder Basil Andrikopoloous. Behind the scenes, Jesus and Mary were still a couple.
The impostor(s) was (were) given a forty-day gig. They pulled off some miracles, notably the grand escape on a fiery chariot, an old Roman stage trick once used by Albinus Houdinius. But for the most part of their forty-day gig, they laid low. Writers were being queued and readied to record the epoch for posterity, and they did not want cognitive dissonance (yet to be invented) to trouble the people of Jerusalem. So maybe twenty people saw the impostor, tops. Their word was never enough to overcome the massive skepticism about a man rising from the dead. Even as the writers would spin tall tales of day turning into night and massive earthquakes, it was all without witnesses.
As we know, myths overcome reality in time.
Over the centuries there has been misdirection, confusion and rabbit holes. In the end, however, a resilient few would cling to the new truth: Jesus died for our sins. It’s a stretch of a connection, however. How can a man from 33AD (note the date) ex post facto wipe clean our current sins? It reads like the original precrime unit.
But hey – we’re Americans. We believe anything as long is authority figures back it up.
*One writer claims he was actually enlisted to serve on an underground ruling body, Jesus being “the Son” who rules in concert with the “Father” and “Holy Ghost.”