Weekend world news roundup

A summary of news headlines from around the world:

• Afghan AOPP News: Insiders report that American President Obama, troubled by sagging poll results, has suggested to his campaign staff that they arrange for Osama bin Laden to be killed again. His staff has came up with a number of possibilities:
  • He drifted ashore;
  • He reappeared as a zombie, since the original Navy Seal raid forgot the need for a double-tap;
  • He was found drifting in a life raft;
  • And the most likely choice, that he was not actually killed in the first raid. Under this plan, Obama would assert that the Seals had mistakenly killed one of his Dopplegangers used as stunt doubles in the various short films credited to him over the years.

  Faced with the possibility that the American public would not buy a second staged killing of the same man, Obama’s campaign chief, Jim Messina, said that they were not worried about all of public opinion, and only had to fool Democrats, “…quite an easy task, actually.”

• Jerusalem אפרטהייד: Polls show that African Americans far harder to fool than whites. A recent poll offering phrases such as
  • “You wanna buy this car?”
  • “We are an equal opportunity employer;”
  • “No, seriously, Democrats really care about you” and
  • “We’ll meet you at the apartment for a showing at 1:00 PM, don’t be late”

  most often elicited the answer “Sheeeeit – you makin me a fool?” from the list of choices.

• Tehran Times: “Americans are just fuckin’ liars,” says a government official after President Obama announced that the US was seeking peaceful resolution to the current crisis. “There’s nothing to resolve,” said Nazim Abdullah, head of the Iranian State Bureau to Cut Through Western Bullshit. “What the fuck is there to resolve?” said Abdullah. “We’re just sittin’ here chillin out, and like pow! Scientists get knocked off, battle ships in the harbor … Holy Crap!” The general consensus on the ruling council, as put forth by Mullah Mohammed Omar, is “Get us a fuckin’ bomb, and soon!”
• Damascus Gaspro headline:
  

  “Yeah, like all this shit goin’ down, and we like just go and shoot some Turks. Yeah. We’re that stupid.”