An Unbeliever’s Christmas Stocking of Quotations

So, what do confirmed agnostics do on Christmas Eve? Why, they wait for the lasagna to cook, 5PM to roll around so they can have a beer, and go through old quotation files looking for things that might offend religious people.

The lasagna is almost done.

By fearing whom I trust I find my way
To truth; by trusting wholly I betray
The trust of wisdom; better far is doubt
Which brings the false into the light of day.
Abdallah al-Ma’arri (973-1057)

These [Christian] principles seem to me to have made men feeble, and caused them to become an easy prey to evil-minded men, who can control them more securely, seeing that the great body of men, for the sake of gaining paradise, are more disposed to endure injuries than to avenge them.
Niccolo Machiavelli, The Prince

For if we could guarantee them their dogma of immortality in some other way, the lively ardor for their gods would at once cool; and… if continued existence after death could be proved to be incompatible with the existence of gods…they would soon sacrifice these gods to their own immortality, and be hot for atheism.
Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860)

For those who live there insist, at least in our generation, on the total acceptance without reservation of their revealed religion. And I cannot surrender the liberty of my mind to any authority. Free reason, my son, is a heady wine. It has failed to sustain my heart, but having drunk of it, I can never be content with a less fiery draught.”
Milton Steinberg (1903–1949)

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

Maybe God does exist, but he is an underachiever.
Woody Allen

Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve the homage of reason than of blindfolded fear….If it end in a belief that there is no God, you will find incitements to virtue in the comfort and pleasantness you feel in its exercise and will love others which it will procure for you.
Thomas Jefferson

It is likely that the whole world is deceived in this common idea of immortality, for if we assume that there are three major religions – Christ’s, Moses’, and Muhammad’s – either all of them are false and the whole world is cheated or two are wrong and the greater part of mankind is deceived.
Pomponazzi (1462-1525)

One of the ironies of the cold war, and one of the things Marina Oswald’s story tells us is that you could have taken 100,000 American fundamentalists, even at the height of Stalinism, dropped them in Russia, and they would have been happier there that than they ever were in the United States. I mean, what a dream for them: “Bad people were sent off to camps, and good people could walk the streets safely. Children were very law-abiding and honored their parents, and sex was very restricted.”
Norman Mailer (1923-2007)

The last Christian died on the Cross.
Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.
Wilson Mizner (1876-1933)

With or without religion, good people can behave well and bad people can do evil; but for good people to do evil — that takes religion.
Stephen Weinberg

Out yonder was this huge world, which exists independently of us human beings and stands before us like a great eternal riddle, at least partially accessible to our inspection and thinking. The contemplation of this world beckoned like a liberation, and I soon noticed that many a man whom I had learned to esteem and to admire had found inner freedom and security in devoted occupation with it. … The road to this paradise was not as comfortable and as alluring as the road to the religious paradise; but it has proved itself as trustworthy, and I have never regretted having chosen it.
Albert Einstein

Theology: “a rhapsody of feigned and ill-invented nonsense.”
Scriptures: “so stuffed with madness, nonsense, and contradictions, that you admired the stupidity of the world in being so long deluded by them.”
Jesus must have “picked up a few ignorant blockish fisher fellows, whom he knew by his skill in physiognomy, had strong imaginations.”
Moses: “if ever there was such a man,” had, like Jesus, “learned magic in Egypt, but that he was both the better artist and better politician than Jesus.”
Thomas Aikenhead, executed January 8, 1697 for heresy, at age 20.

”Jesus himself was a Jew speaking to Jews and not promoting much of a mythology – and – of course, his conversation about belief and doubt was not about Greek philosophical objections to faith. But his ideas and his image came to the real attention of the Roman Empire after he was long gone. He came to Rome in a story from the East, told in common Greek and already incorporating major tenets of religions that were familiar thought the empire. The ubiquitous image of Isis holding her divine son Horus was transformed into Mary and the infant Jesus.”
Jennifer Michale Hecht, Doubt: A History

Just prior to his death, Freud wrote a treatise called “Moses and Monotheism” in which he proposed that Moses was not a Jew and was actually an Egyptian aristocrat. Dr. Yahuda gets wind of this and screams at Freud, “The Myth! The myth is all! You take away that and you take away our faith!” Freud replies that the human mind is divinity enough. I agree with that idea, which is why I don’t like religion, politics or any kind of tribalism. I do think the mind is divinity enough, and that it’s much more incredible than any god, Christ, Buddha, or Mohammed you could concoct with the human mind.
John Malkovich

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that there are certain dogs I have known who will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
James Thurber

Evil will always triumph over good, because good is dumb.
Mel Brooks, Space Balls

The references to Mary in the Gospels are relatively few; John does not even mention her by name, A particular emphasis on her virginity first arose when a verse in Isaiah “Behold a virgin will conceive,” was interpreted as prophesying the birth of Christ and hence inspired or corroborated the Gospel accounts of the virgin birth. This interpretation, however, was drawn from the Septuagint (Greek) version, which had used the word “parthenos” to render the Hebrew for “almah” which was no more than a young girl, so the scriptural base of Mary’s virginity was shaky, especially as the Gospels specifically mention that Jesus had brothers and sisters …
Charles Freeman, The Closing of the Western Mind

The last recorded astronomical observation in the ancient Greek world was one by the Athenian philosopher Proclus in A.D. 475, nearly 1,100 years after the prediction of an eclipse by Thales in 585 B.C., which traditionally marks the beginning of Greek science. It would be over 1,000 years – with the publication of Copernicus’ De revolutionibus in 1543 – before these studies began to move forward again.
Ibid

One of the great consolations of the monastic life is the assurance that we have that in obeying we can commit no fault. The Superior may commit a fault in commanding you to do this or that, but you are certain that you commit no fault so long you obey, because God will only ask you if you have duly performed what orders your received, and if you can furnish a clean account in that respect, you are absolved entirely.. The moment what you did was done obediently, God wipes it out of your account and charges it to the Superior … So that Saint Jerome well exclaimed, “Oh holy and blessed security by which one becomes almost impeccable.
William James, The Varieties of Religious Experience

And since they condone capital punishment, I want them to stop bitching about Jesus getting nailed up.
Lenny Bruce

One is presuming (one is not?) that this is the same god who actually created the audience he was addressing with the Ten Commandments. This leaves us with the insoluble mystery of why he would have molded (“in his own image,” yet) a covetous, murderous, disrespectful, lying and adulterous species. Create them sick and then command them to be well? What a mad despot this is, and how fortunate that he exists only in the minds of his worshipers.
Christopher Hitchens

You can safely assume that you’ve created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.
Anne Lamott

The chief contribution of Protestantism to human thought is its massive proof that God is a bore.
H.L. Mencken

The world would be astonished if it knew how great a proportion of its brightest ornaments, of those most distinguished even in popular estimation for wisdom and virtue, are complete skeptics in religion.
John Stuart Mill (1806-1873)

When one person suffers from a delusion, it is called insanity. When many people suffer from a delusion, it is called religion.
Robert M. Pirsig

No, I don’t know that atheists should be considered as citizens, nor should they be considered patriots. This is one nation under God.
George H. W. Bush to journalist Robert Sherman

To Pray: To ask that the laws of nature be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner, confessedly unworthy.
Ambrose Bierce

Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful.
Seneca the Younger (4BC-AD65)

The gods come and go; man remains.
Edward Abbey (1927-1989)