The Baby’s Napping (Shhhh!)

We had a chance to view the Oscars last night – a gathering of family and friends, so I had a chance to collect some interesting views on it all.

1) Why does it matter?

It doesn’t. It’s just fun.

2) Was Slumdog all that good?

It was good, but not great. It was an impressive depiction of child abuse and poverty in India, and a good old-fashioned love story. It had enough poverty to ruin the love story, as people that damaged don’t turn out so innocent and nice. It had enough love story to detract from the poverty and cruelty, as it seems that growing up like that did not affect them at all. It did not know what it wanted to be. But it caught a wave, just as Crash did a couple of years ago – anything to stop the gay movie from winning.

3) Why was Brad Pitt nominated?

He adds runway appeal. So does Angelina. It’s about ratings.

4) Why did the two biggest movies of the year, Dark Knight and Mamma Mia, not get much mention?

The Oscars are about what we should watch – not what we like. They are meant to lift and separate us from our mundane proletarian tastes, to show us artists performing their craft with great ability. Meryl Streep can act, man. So can Nicole Kidman – why, she’s not even shallow. (Didn’t you just love The Hours? We all loved The Hours. It wasn’t boring at all.)

5) What’s with the gay thing?

Gay movies are slowly becoming mainstream, and there were several scenes of men kissing last night. But here is the interesting part of that – the gay parts cannot be played by openly gay men. It has to be straight men acting gay. Hence, Sean Penn, who really pulled it off, got the award. But leading men cannot be gay in real life – if they were, they would have no mass appeal, and no career. Hence they go to great lengths to protect their straight identity – fake marriages and macho pursuits, all while living the gay life in private. Right Travolta? Cruise? Gere? Hudson? Anyway, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has a problem with gay, it seems. Brokeback Mountain was far and away the best movie two years ago, and Milk this year. But the people who vote on this stuff? They are a little bit resistant.

6) Why does the Academy Awards show suck?

For one thing, ass kissing. Every award carries with it a bathroom break while the recipient rattles off a list of people we don’t know who he or she wants to work for again in the future. Then they have to mention spouses, kids, and teachers. You would think that people in the entertainment business would understand that this is not entertaining.

For another thing, these people need to be brought down – insulted, joked about, parodied – the kind of thing that comedians do so well if they are actually cut loose. Chris Rock tried it, with some success – he pissed some people off. Jon Stewart just failed. But it needs to be done – who would be a good host? Lewis Black? These people are taking themselves way too seriously.

7) Will Steven Spielberg ever make another good movie?

Probably not. Very few artists manage to keep the creative genius going through the aging process. Like Lucas, Spielberg’s best days already happened. This does not, however, explain Martin Scorsese or Clint Eastwood, who just keep getting better.

8 ) Why did they honor Jerry Lewis?

They think he might die soon. Other than that, it has never occurred to them.

9) Was Heath Ledger that good?

As the Joker, absolutely he was that good. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime performance – our lifetimes, as well as his. He was also impressive in Brokeback.

10) Who is Marion Cotillard?

She won best actress last year, playing Edith Piaf, a singer I had never heard of, in the movie La Vie en Rose. It was subtitled, dark, and hard to watch, but with all of that, it still captivated me. After we watched it I Googled her – she’s a beautiful woman, but was so submerged in the role that the beauty never shone through. She was all stooped over and had bad hair and a nasty temper and nervous tics. Only a confident person can make herself that ugly. Nicole Kidman could never pull that off.

11) Who is Nicole Kidman?

She used to be married to Tom Cruise, who’s probably gay, and that ten year marriage got her roles she never would have gotten otherwise. She really works hard at acting – you can tell she is working hard. She’s always trying to take on projects that stretch her range. Problem is, she has limited range. She can only play someone very pretty. She’s married to Keith Urban, now. He’s cleaned up for her. Yeah – that’ll last.

12)Frost-Nixon?

Didn’t win a thing. It was an interview, that’s all. As the New Yorker movie review wondered, why did they think it was so important? Anyway, we just can’t bury Nixon. We keep reminding ourselves what a bad dude he was. But like Oliver Stone’s “W”, it’s too soon. Not enough official papers have yet been released. There’s still way too many secrets.