OK. Our family has endured much sadness lately, and out of that came a desire to avoid the incessant negativity of blogging. I’ve followed the usual haunts, and nothing changes. Ever. I continue to admire the work put out by Lizard and JC at 4&20, and will live vicariously through them.
How to deal with loss? We’ve all experienced it, the knowledge that someone we love is just plain gone from our lives. It could be a romantic breakup or death. The feeling is the the same. As I saw bodies lowered into graves these past few weeks, I had uncontrollable sadness. Our family is closer now, more supportive of one another. We share pain, and that makes us stronger, more compassionate.
Does religion help? Do all the people who say that our loved ones are now somewhere else help the wounds heal? No. I don’t believe it, nor do they. Faith is unwavering belief in things we know are not true. Death is the end of a person, never to be hugged or heard again.
Oddly, from death comes from within me a desire to give more of myself and expect less back. It is maturity. I was once told by a wise man that we don’t really become adults until our parents die. Perhaps he meant until we experience profound loss.
So my writing here is no longer offered to induce endless and unproductive political debate. I want more substance. I offer this forum to anyone who wants to share a positive outlook. No sympathy. We’ve had plenty of that. Just positive thoughts.
One lesson learned: The need for, and the healing power of forgiveness – while we are alive. Life, as we all know, is short. We were repeatedly told that hearing is the last sense to go. Maybe so, but is there comprehension? I doubt it. Reconcile with them during life. I am saddened by the loss of two brothers, but gratified that we were friends at the end, all issues long since rectified.
Piece of Mindful 
The sort of thing I’m interested in hearing you discuss. I would ask: is atheism capable of dealing with grief on par with religion?
Religion is more than the admittedly dicey promise of living forever in a perfect body. The submission to a higher power seems to provide a life balm that is hard to replicate in secular belief systems.
LikeLike
One, there is “a-theism”, which simply shuns theism, and “atheism” as widely perceived, to be the denial of the existence of a deity. Given the utter complexity of the world around me, I cannot begin to say I am an atheist. I simply know that whatever force put me here has not communicated with me, and that for me it is foolish to pretend.
Does it make people feel good to pretend? Yes. Is that a better place to be in than to acknowledge what seems apparent, that when we die, we die? If offers me great comfort to tell my mom that she will see my dad again. If she believes that, it is great comfort to her.
I cannot deny that good aspect of religious belief. It is indeed a force for consolation. But the thrust of all the ceremonies I’ve sat through the past three weeks are designed to allow us to make the break, to offer closure. In the religious ceremonies there is hocus pocus, but the underlying purpose is to promote the beginning of healing. They are not saying that we will see them again, only that we must move forward.
LikeLike
Will be in Oaxaca for Nov. 2 (Day of the Dead) this year and will report back. There isn’t the scattering of families there so much, so I suspect family and community ties help get one through the toughest times. Mark, I wish you good times ahead.
LikeLike
Tragedy could be described as parent(s) attending their son or daughters funeral.
I contend a larger tragedy awaits.
Will the Circle
Be Unbroken
In the Sky Lord
In the Sky.
LikeLike
Either I am very dense or you are being cryptic, or both. Care to spell it out for the dense guy?
LikeLike
I cannot deny that good aspect of religious belief… In the religious ceremonies there is hocus pocus
I’m thinking a-theism should give us the chance to distill the good of religion and toss the superstition.
But non theistic belief systems (from what I’ve seen anyway) do not seem well equipped to help with tragedies.
What to do, then. Can one get back the “good aspect of religious belief”, once they’ve acknowledged the superstition of it?
LikeLike
I think that you are presuming that without religion we do not cope or heal. We do both. In tragedy there is pain, and if we go through the pain , rather than around it, it strengthens us in resolve, giving us the assurance that we can handle it. I am sad right now, and will be for some time, but will move forward.
Is religion then a crutch to avoid the ‘going through’ part of the grieving process?
LikeLike
I think that you are presuming that without religion we do not cope or heal.
From what I’ve seen and read, religion seems to do better. Maybe the religiously inclined would still do better in the absence of historical doctrine.
Is religion then a crutch to avoid the ‘going through’ part of the grieving process
If one can make an investment that avoids grieving, is that a bad thing?
LikeLike
Do not alcohol and drugs perform this function as well? Are giving carte blanc?
LikeLike
I suppose if one could stay drunk or high continuously, yes. “Opiate of the masses.”
On the face of it, there appears to be some usefulness in having a population that believes it will live forever: they’ll take more risks, settle more frontiers, win more wars. But then there is the problem of overreach.
LikeLike
Swede quoted a song that asks if everyone present will be in Heaven, implying that failure to “believe” breaks the circle.
Instead of a Heaven, I would consider it a metaphor for the future: will we survive? and in what fashion? as what kind of People?
In 1950, 33% of the world was of European extraction. Today it is 8%. Maybe that is okay, but maybe something is being lost.
LikeLike
No problems here with the makeup of the race. European history is not pretty. But the idea that failure to believe is somehow a defect is troubling.
Loved the Johnny Cash song though. Religion helped him overcome his addictions.
LikeLike
No problems here with the makeup of the race
I don’t mourn the race, I mourn the culture. But culture follows race.
I find this a curious aspect of you. Your life and advocacy has been a celebration of European culture, or at least a version of it. Your blase attitude about the demographic future of such seems to be an over application of self criticism.
European history is not pretty
There is a lot of ruin in a culture. Every culture.
LikeLike
The culture thing is an affectation – as I tell my kids, i’ve been to the continent. So I drink espresso and Perrier and say it in such a way that they are really annoyed. but what I do like about places like thatbis effective democratic governance, keeping their rich in check and taking care of another.
Concerning culture, I just don’t suppose that anyone else would behave differently when they have power over others.
LikeLike
I find your take on these matters to be a bit shallow.
The European Cathedral and Museum culture is a rather expensive endeavor, and I’m not sure the demographically robust people that fill in for the declining Europeans will maintain or extend such. This year has brought us the portentous final flush gurgles of the manned space program Cathedral in this country, in a time of human history with record wealth and record population, which I am told is a sign of wealth, but I suspect the wealth creator class is rather small, shrinking, and their talents are more and more spent just keeping the wheels on a more basic, subsistence lifestyle for all the vibrant people.
LikeLike
Large circles encompassing smaller circles.
While I think that you nailed the true message I was referring to the Toraski family circle.
Gregg Allman sang it best.
“Undertaker, undertaker please drive slow
Cause that lady that your haulin
Oh, I hate to see her go.”
LikeLike
Mark, your loss affected me deeply as it fell on the one year anniversary of the death of a family member of mine. Your son misunderstood the depth of feeling I was under when I expressed a comment at another blog. My family member waited for me to arrive. I said that it was ok to go as I was there and the rest of us would take up the slack. I held their hand as the last gasp passed the lips. There was conversation until the end. When I spoke at the funeral I told others to rejoice as the suffering was at an end as the natural completion of a life had happened. I believe I will see that person again. I hope you too will once again enjoy the embrace of your brother’s love. I feel if I’m right there is much joy yet to be experienced. If I’m wrong, there is nothing lost as I will not know it.
Take care.
LikeLike
The answer with my son is to simply explain, as he is a nice young fellow who will understand. He’s hurting a bit and might have taken something wrong.
I know exactly what you are speaking about except that I do not think that either brother was with us in those death throes. that’s why I said that all forgiveness has to happen before then. But I hope that what you went through made you a better man, as I hope it did me. I for sure needed some upgrading!
LikeLike