I had an older brother, Steve (1943-2011) whom I idolized. I had no choice really, but I really did idolize him. Steve was one of those rare birds who was genuinely nice and smart, and who was a hard worker too. In other words, it would do no good to resent him, even as I, the younger brother (he was seven years older), was known by everyone we knew in common as “Steve’s kid brother”. Either Steve’s virtues fell upon me too, or not, but nowhere in the world I grew up in was there anything but love and admiration for my older brother.
Steve had “the calling”, meaning priesthood in our very Catholic family. When he announced late in his senior year of high school that he would enter the seminary in the fall, my parents’ hearts swelled with pride. Steve was not an ordinary human – once he got a traffic citation for a rolling stop, and Mom said “That will never happen again.” It was as if the parent-child relationship had reversed, as both Mom and Dad would look to Steve for advice as their other three sons struggled in life and passage into maturity.
Accolades followed Steve throughout his life – one time a letter in the mail to Mom and Dad written only to praise Steve and them for having raised such a remarkable son. Said the letter, “I’ve met your three other boys, but Steve is the one I have come to know and admire.” The thing about it was this: Mom thought it necessary to show me that letter, which was in essence a putdown to me and my other two brothers. The letter was nice, but why the part about the other three? Was it to be passive aggressive, as we now call it?
Well, we all grew up, and I married and had kids, the only one of four boys, as far as I can tell, to engage in sex. There’s more to say about Steve, but now I want to relay a later-in-life event. Steve, late sixties, was ailing, and would die later that year. But he, me, my son (incidentally named “Steve” – are you picking up on things?) and his friend went on a backpacking trip in the Beartooth Mountains of south-central Montana. It was a hard trip, and late one day we needed a campsite. I set out alone to find one, and maybe a quarter-mile away found one made and ready, with a fire pit and tent-sites. I memorized the location, and came back and got the others, who followed me to the place. As we arrived Fr. Steve was effusive in his praise for me at having found the site, so much so that I recoiled a bit.
Later that evening we had a campfire, and as the Steve’s and Brett settled in, I realized that I had no place at that campfire. What would follow would be, for most normal males a form of bonding, a bull session, but with Fr. Steve would be life lessons for his to two acolytes. I retired to my tent and bag, and it could not have been later than eight. As I lay awake I overheard parts of the conversation, most of it unremarkable.
Except for this: Fr. Steve, talking about the gospels (in my experience he related gospel stories but not other parts of the Bible – my exposure to his preaching was limited) made the point that they were in fact true events as related by eyewitnesses of the time. And then he added something that caught my attention: He said it was impossible to fully grasp the truth and depth of meaning in the gospels unless they are read in their original Greek.
Did I mention that as part of his seminary training, Steve studied and mastered Greek? At that point, laying in my tent, I took a deep breath. Fr. Steve was spewing nonsense, bullshit if you will, but in the manner of a shaman. We were taught as Catholic kids that the priest, in saying Mass, would at times stand with his back to the congregation and facing the crucifix, because he was the mediator between us and God. Ministers of all faiths survive in large part due to this mystique, that they understand more and are in closer touch with God than we ordinary people can be.
That was my take that night on the fireside chat, that Steve used it as self-exoneration for his lifelong belief in superstition, otherwise known as the Gospels. Of course he knew, as a smart and educated man, that those writings contained elements of ancient mythology, and plenty of razzle-dazzle astronomical details to boot, as when, at winter solstice, the sun falls very low on the southern horizon, and then appears to be still for a couple of days. On the third day, it starts its journey back to us, bringing its warmth and light back to winter-weary. On the third day, it rises from the dead.
I’m sorry that Steve died later that year, and indeed I loved and admired him even as I could not even stand in his shadow, so revered was he. That was a difficult part of my life, along with two other brothers who were said to be “manic-depressive”, and unable to function in normal life. (I do not believe in manic depression. Speaking of made-up shit, the gospels at least have literary merit. The DSM-5 is bullshit.)
However, I do believe in trauma and abuse, and being the product of a Dad who was, before I came along, an abusive drunk, I speculate that my non-Steve brothers got hammered down some. From my lifetime of reading, I have also absorbed this message: In an abusive environment, it is not unusual for one of the kids involved, smarter than average, to weigh the situation and decide the best course of action in order to avoid the anger and violence, is to become perfect. I wonder if Steve, smart from birth, figured that out early.
Two matters follow, and then I am done with this introspective journey.
One, I am currently reading the Memoirs of Billy Shears. I know, it is largely nonsense, written to advance the Paul is Dead psyop, but there is more going on than that narrative. There are also footnotes, and Freemasonry is a large part of it. I quote from a footnote on page 147:
In Abrahamic religions and elsewhere, doctrinal interpretations vary depending on the audience. Those in the inner circles are usually more interested in esoteric texts than in Scriptures that they share publicly. Their secret teachings are concealed from the uninitiated who are not usually aware of such teachings. Secret oral traditions unlock scriptures for very different interpretations. Those who understand the layered meanings and masterful speaking use the same verses to teach lower concepts to the so-called “vile multitudes” that they use quite differently to teach inner-circle sages (see Matthew 13:10-16).
That brought me back to the campfire that night, and Fr. Steve telling his young admirers that the true worth of the Gospels was to be found in their original Greek. Where originally that night I thought only that he was mystifying himself and hiding behind a cloak to justify a lifetime of agreed-upon superstition, on reading the above, I wondered if he was referring to those parts of the gospels that carry with them embedded Freemasonry. Priests would be ordered to stick to the superstitious elements for their congregations, but to carry out the Masonic mission too, and secretly. I wonder now. BB King said in an interview that “all cops and judges are Freemasons”. To that I would add editors, publishers, historians, tenured professors, and now … priests? Was my brother a Freemason?
Two, I received a letter earlier this year from a man named Bob who attended seminary with my brother back in the 1960s. He was, like all others there, enamored of Fr. Steve, in fact, it was part of my duties as executor to return to Bob an unopened letter to Steve I received after his death. He said that as soon as he saw it returned, he knew. The more recent letter sent to me included part of a personal narrative of his seminary years (he eventually left and had a normal life). He told me of their times in St. Edward’s seminary in Seattle, and the club of boys who were classmates. He said that he and Steve were captains of the sports teams – handball and flag football? Not sure. But of course! I thought, and further, he informed him that each of the two teams captained by Bob and Steve won whatever it was there was to win. (I am reminded of this line from a song, “Well I hear you went up to Saratoga and your horse naturally won…”)
My impression from that exchange was one that I carried forward anyway, from exposure to Steve’s friends that I had met over the years – unrelenting joyfulness and enthusiasm in these young candidates for priesthood. It comes out in the comradery of the boys of St. Edwards Seminary, and of its time in our history, the 1960s. Most of these young boys were gay, not a word then, and with the cover-story of preparing for the priesthood, had no shame and no lies to tell the world. Once leaving high school, they were set free to enjoy their lives.
Was Steve gay? I honestly don’t know, but I know this about him: He was extremely disciplined, so that even if homosexual, would have refrained from engagement. If not gay, if instead asexual or straight, he would have applied the same discipline. That I know of him. He wrote a PhD dissertation while on sabbatical in, I think, his 20th year of priesthood, and the subject was preparation of candidates for the priesthood. In it he took celibacy very seriously, and said that one qualification for anyone entering that life was to abstain from sexual activity for one year before entering the seminary.
What about the priest scandal of these past years? Was Steve touched by it? One of his friends who made it to ordination along with Steve, Dave, was defrocked for some abusive activities regarding, as I read it, teen agers. That’s another sin, not pedophilia, but merely repressed development. Dave, an admitted homosexual, lost his ministry and lived out a much-shortened life thereafter. I suspect he died in ignominy, shame, and deep regret. Steve mentioned Dave one time, with kind of a tut-tut attitude, so sorry that happened.
But for Fr. Steve himself, never in 42 years as a priest was there ever a tinge of discredit. I could never live up to his standards, and have sinned mightily over my life, but I am still proud to be his kid brother, one who did not measure up, you know. He was a special man, even if extremely superstitious. Maybe those secrets contained in the Greek texts of the gospels will put that to rest too.
Piece of Mindful 
Mark, my “perfect” older brother, who considered the priesthood, did Jesuit core after college in Jamaica teaching chemistry, who never drank, smoke, or got in any trouble died at 30 after finishing his PhD, basically from overwork. He was a workaholic, and asthmatic, who died 30 years ago after being put on a ventilator – maybe it killed him, who knows, but probably a very similar terrible death to the many thousands who perished that way during the covid scam – which apparently is still alive in China (new variants, so scary!).
In contrast I was uncontrollable after the age 10 or so and haven’t really looked back. Like they say only the good die young! Here’s to being a slacker and never going near a church unless it’s a funeral.
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I found your original comment in SPAM. WordPress moves in mysterious ways.
Steve died at age 68 and was a non-drinker nonsmoker, but the thing is that he was a serious runner, maybe 50 or more miles a week, qualified for Boston and, of course, his parishioners paid for his trip there after he said he could not take the time to go there. But anyway, as I understand it, people who run as much as he ran all those years, or iron men and mountain climbers and all of that, tend to die younger than the rest of us. They are actually abusing their bodies. Deep down I suspect that need to run as fervently as he did had something to do with celibacy. It filled a need.
Also, he had undying everlasting faith in doctors, so when his PSA was elevated in a physical one time, he allowed himself to be talked into a prostatectomy. That surgery knocked him for a loop, and within a few years he died of an untreatable cancer in his small intestines. I gently asked him one time if he thought there might be a connection between the prostate surgery and cancer spreading to his other organs and he was too quick to say no! No connection. He had the same vague suspicion as I did.
Anyway, Richard Albin is the guy who discovered the prostate-specific antigen (PSA), and has since crusaded to get doctors to stop relying on it as a cancer indicator. Says Albin, an elevated prostate can be caused by a bumpy car ride, a romp in the hay, or … a 15-mile run the day before the exam? It is not a reliable marker. I was faced with the same problem back in 2018 and the doctor wanted me to see a urologist, but I feared impotence and incontinence more than cancer. I said no. Almost seven years now, no problemo.
Anyway, thanks for the moral support regarding your brother. I wonder, did your parents worship him as mine did Steve?
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Mark, January of this year I had a prostatectomy due to elevated PSA. In my mind, I believed this to be a normal occurrence, that all men around our age have a mild form of cancer in their prostate.Following an operation in which a biopsy was taken, the cancer was confirmed and my PSA increased. However, due to serious concerns from my wife as well as family history of relatives who passed because of prostate cancer, I did relent and had the prostate removed. This was done by open cut since I live in a country town where there is no robotic access available. The major difference is in the recovery period which is far longer and more uncomfortable than the robotic method. Anyway, the point I wish to make is the after affects of losing the prostate most of which are glossed over prior to the removal. However, these are not to be considered minor, as I have found. The major effect is ED (erectile disjunction). As someone who has had a fulfilling sex life with my marital partner, it came as a huge shock to lose the vital component which makes it possible. The fact that it is unknown if it will ever return is of great concern also. Along with this is the lack of any ejaculation which, while not a major factor does reduce the experience somewhat. Also, with no erection, the experience of arousal is almost undetectable. This is also due to the removal of another organ associated with the prostate which induces arousal. That, coupled with the lack of the prostate, and the cutting of vital nerves means not much happens. A further affect is the difficulty in controlling bladder leakage, although I have been less affected than most apparently.
All of these negative outcomes can be addressed using some form of either mechanical or chemical attention which I have refused thus far. But the main effect of everything is the loss of what we might call “manhood”. It is the feeling of becoming less than the person you really are which is difficult to overcome. In my opinion, every man must seriously consider the ongoing negative outcomes of this surgery prior to agreeing to it and there should be a period of counselling both before and after the operation to try and minimise the effects. If you can do it, and you feel that you are being conned, as I feel now, take a big breath and look for alternative approaches to address the cancer because it may be that the “cure” is worse than the affliction. I also believe that those who rule over the medical profession are fully aware of the longer term outcomes of the prostatectomy which is why they push it so much. Think hard before you succumb.
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Thanks for the great comment/testimony.
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As far as my parents worshipping my brother: answer is no. My parents married fairly young, my mom was pregnant with my brother when she was 21. My dad was a budding GE executive, and in some ways resented my brother, because he stole my mothers attention – she being Italian where they dote on their sons especially – the whole Momma’s boy thing. And my brother was smart, but sick from a young age from his asthma, he had to be taken to the ER pretty often when we were kids with asthma attacks. In contrast I was quite easy going, and not competitive with my only older brother, who was 4 years older.
My father was a drinker when young, and philanderer, probably because he was unhappy being a young executive and having to act like a family man at the same time – which he couldn’t. So my parents got divorced when i was 12, my brother 16, and my brother resented my father for leaving the family, especially because he was very Catholic, and divorce is a serious sin. My brother never spoke to my father again until he died. Because I was not religious I had no problems with my parents breaking up, and honestly enjoyed living with a single mom who worked, because by the time I was 16 I was hanging out with my friends every night, usually having a few beers and maybe some weed by a campfire. And because I was gifted i could get away with this, not doing any homework except right before the next class, paying half attention to what was going on in class.
As far as what killed my brother, I figured out years later it was steroid inhalers, and being in a clinical trial for inhalers, which he was part of when he died, to make some extra money while doing post doctoral research. Like your brother he trusted pharma/mainstream medical science too much. He didn’t understand a lot of people die in clinical trials from toxicity, because Phase 1 and 2 they are just trying to figure out how much they can give you before it kills you, without even caring about efficacy.
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Years ago I had a debate with one of my religious brothers about there being no mention of hell in the Old Testament. He showed me a word from the OT and said it meant hell. I don’t remember the word, maybe it was “sheol”, but it does not mean hell. Anyway it’s generally agreed there’s no mention of hell. I had the good sense not to show my brother what I found because I knew it’s not good to keep debating religious people.
When you wrote about your brother saying “it was impossible to fully grasp the truth and depth of meaning in the gospels unless they are read in their original Greek”, I remembered that someone told me the original Greek New Testament has no mention of hell either. If this is true, that means the English translation (King James?) had it inserted to scare people into submission. That would not surprise me!
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Thanks for your writing Mark. Anything I say here has nothing to do with your brother as I don’t know him at all. It is more about general personality archetypes and brothers in general.
Firstly be was a priest so that is a much more select group than freemasons. There is no need to be both, although some are. Like Freemasonry and pretty much everything else there are different levels of knowledge in the priesthood.
We often make the mistake of believing the persona we are shown of another person, especially one close to us is true. Yet most of us realise we keep secrets and show a different face to different groups. I find that very common.
Sometimes the more ‘perfect’ someone appears it is simply a matter of them being able to put on a better front (I controversially a tuall. Discipline is absolutely key here.
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Strange how that comment came through. I never sent it at that stage and even added a bit about running on to it before I sent it I have to log in before I can send anything…….. Anyway back to life.
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Hi Mark
Just thought I’d let you know.
I’ve had a few comments recently disappear (probably a good thing). I should be making better use of my time.
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I’ll search. (Oh well, SPAM folder just recently emptied. Must be wash day at WordPress. Nothing from you in Trash.)
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My dad, a few years older than you, grew up in a Catholic family. His oldest brother was on the track to be a priest. I don’t remember exactly the story, but I think he had gone away to seminary for some time, and then while back on a break went out on a date with a girl. This came out apparently when he went back and that was okay, but they asked him “did you kiss?” He said yes they did, and that was it for him and the seminary.
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Was he booted, or marginalized and ostracized? In those days, assuming your dad was mid-20th century or earlier, homosexuality was the unstated mutually accepted norm of the priesthood. One of my brother’s best friends left the priesthood and got married, responding, I think, to normal impulses of normal people.
One thing about my brother that perplexes me a bit is his unquestioning acceptance of celibacy. It does not take a PhD dissertation to grasp that it is is unnatural and unhealthy. It should be eliminated today, and further the prohibition of women priests as well.
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This was my uncle, my dad’s oldest brother. My understanding is he was booted, they told him the priesthood wasn’t for him. I have no idea how he initially got selected in, but apparently that incident filtered him out.
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Commenting issues seem to come and go.. one trick I’ve found is to “reply” to someone rather than start a new thread –
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This reply, this method, sent as a response to the auto-email, has not failed yet. ________________________________
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