Bouncing off rocks, landing in a beautiful pool

I am going to talk about something that I’ve never written about before, but to preface the remarks, it’s not private, and though it was at that time of my life, it is not important.

It has to do with becoming a CPA, and what it takes. At the time I passed the exam, in the early 1980s, it was a completely bluebook pencil-driven affair. We answered multiple choice questions; we wrote essays; and solved long problems in a show-your-work style.

It was my understanding at that time that only five percent of candidates did as I did, and passed all five parts on first attempt. I’ll get that part out of the way, in the “what it says about me” department. One, it means I’m pretty smart, at accounting anyway. I’m not terribly smart in many ways. But more than that, it says that I knew how to take a test. I didn’t sweat it, never sweated tests in college, and yet, for sure, I did not ace them all, not even close.  I was not an A student. However, I was always relaxed, and on tests usually done before everyone else and busy checking and rechecking my work. Some people I knew sweated and panicked. Even though they were smart and capable they were not good at testing. That’s a shame. There should be a better way for those who study hard, have the knowledge, but do not test well. I do not know the answer there.

This will add a timeframe to it all – at that time Texas Instruments was marketing pocket calculators, and there was controversy about their use. Some teachers did not allow them. They were not allowed for taking the CPA exam. My teachers allowed them, so that taking a test was a massive clickfest before clicking became an Internet term. The Internet did not exist.

I did not use a calculator in classes or on tests. As a kid, I was taken (and I don’t remember anything other than a meeting that day) to visit a specialist at the local college, and he asked me a bunch of … I should say “arithmetic” and not … “math” questions, and I was supplying answers as quickly as he asked because I could add and subtract in my head. I don’t recall anything else about that meeting, before of after. My mom took me, and no teacher ever referenced it.

But the CPA exam is not about math (or was not then) and only involved rudimentary arithmetic, that is, they were more interested in conceptual framework than ciphering skills. The parts of the test, nineteen hours over two days, were accounting, accounting theory, business law, tax, and auditing. That last one, auditing, I was sure was going to be my downfall, as I said before even attaining an accounting degree that “I would rather shovel shit than audit” for a living.

Every CPA alive will tell you that they got through the test, that it was a relief, and that no matter where they are in their career, they could not pass it again.

What tricks did I use? I would like to say none, but there were two:

• In those days 60-70% of the final grade on the test were the result of multiple choice questions. I understood that if I could nail those questions, I could afford to lose points on the harder parts.

MC questions have a feel and texture about them, but we don’t grasp that until we do thousands of them for practice. It wasn’t just selecting the right answer. It was about the question itself … is it something new? Rarely. Often enough, it was the same question in a different format. Can I eliminate answers? Yes, usually two or three out of five. Do the words “all” or “never” appear? If so, it’s a gimme, as there are no such animals. I suspect that I got maybe 50% of those questions right just based on the nature of MC testing. For the rest, to achieve 80% overall, I had to get three out of five right. I could afford to miss some.

• I had another technique. I wish I remember where I got this advice, as I would give due credit. It was this: When studying for a test, it does little good to simply review the materials, even diligently. A better way is to test cold at the beginning, not having studied any part of the subject matter. In my workbooks there were always tests at the end of each chapter, so I would test myself before reading, answering every third question.

I got most of them wrong, sometimes all of them. But that was the key, because then after testing on the material, I had questions in my mind. I was no longer cold reviewing, I was searching for answers. I was paying the right kind of attention, and retaining the results.

That got me through it, that is how I passed first time. The test now is all computerized, and as I understand, scaled to your level of answer. If you miss questions at the beginning, those that follow will not repeat, but … I could be all wet about this … dumb down somewhat. You’ll get through it, but your score will suffer according to difficulty of questions. Further, people will not take the same test, so cheating is impossible. Maybe it is the same questions in a different order, maybe different questions. The test-givers can do anything they want so long as the results are random. There can be no discrimination against takers in any manner.

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Anyway, I don’t like accounting**, that is, after I passed I realized that it is largely a stuffed-shirt humorless world, and that the work is very tedious. To be clear, I once applied for work at a tax preparation firm and was rejected. I lacked experience, and those places are factories with 80% of the work happening in the first four months of the year. There’s a temptation there too … computers and now AI are pervasive, so it would be easy to sit back and let the machine do the work. The good firms, that is, most of them, are aware of this and do not let it happen. They make sure their people are on top of their game. There are rigid professional standards, not just for CPAs, but for enrolled agents too. For people hanging out shingles who use Quickbooks and lack degrees, it is buyer beware.

My area of the country was Billings, Montana, and later other places, but the atmosphere was the same. Most CPA’s did mostly tax work, some auditing on a small scale, as there was nothing big to audit. They were good at their job, and could probably easily adapt to the big picture,  the Big Seven when I started, later becoming the Big Five, and now I do not know how many large firms are doing corporate auditing. Enron took its toll, making the profession, rightfully, look very bad.

But working for a big firm is a pressure cooker, with promotions and firings and constant evaluations. I would not have fared well, me, Mr. First-time passer. I am the type that likes to sit at a computer and write and think, letting fingers do the work. Do you get that about me? We do not fit in the corporate world, and God bless those who do. It’s just not for all of us.

I was lucky. I got a job with a small oil and gas company, and spent the rest of my career in that business. I am talking independent producers, a different breed. These people are mostly gamblers. I speak generally, but they are not uptight or straight-laced, and they do have humor, such as the t-shirt that circulates that says “God, please grant me another boom, I promise not to fuck this one up.” For real.

Would I do it again, become a CPA? Absolutely. It changed my course of life. Having the letters “CPA” after my name granted instant credibility. But I took it further. I stayed out of income tax as much as possible, and so avoided that pressure cooker. I always had enough oil and gas business to survive. And another key, I do not have, have never had a “résumé”. I was never applying anywhere for a job, and new clients came by word of mouth only. Also, I had time. I was able to travel, go on hiking trips, to meet my wife and hike the mountains of Montana with her. I would have missed all of that were I a full-time accounting employee.

I despise résumés. They are nothing but Shinola on shit, making the most of anything.*** Of course they are necessary in the job market, but for me, the idea that I had to genuflect constantly by sending them out to prospective employers was deeply offensive. It is part of life, most of us cannot avoid it, but I was able to avoid that rat race. For that I am eternally grateful that I mustered up courage, put myself on the line to make it or fall on my face, and take the CPA exam.

Many people never get past it. It only means they have to do something else for a living, and it probably a good signal to move on. For me, I passed, and it made all the difference in the world.

Enuf about me. Are we bored yet with accounting?

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**I realize now, years too late, that I should have been a landman, and nothing to do with the TV series. These are the people who assemble the acreage needed to drill a well, and who make sure all the legitimate owners get paid. It requires separate training, which was not available when I entered the business. I did not even know of the profession at that time. (By the way, male or female does not matter. The name of the professional is a “Landman.”)

*** In a college course called Business Communication we were studying resume building, and the teacher said no matter what we do, make it sound important. Even if selling popcorn at the movies. I raised my hand and offered “Manager, corn products division.”