Jesus faked his death (and is twins)

On the crossThe events of year 33 AD (note the number) were scripted. Let’s go back to the beginning.

Jesus Christ arrived in Jerusalem to great fanfare, riding in on an ass and enjoying the adulation of fans. We don’t know when that procession took place, however. It could easily have happened any time in the preceding weeks, perhaps months. All that was necessary was for various players to be in place to carry out their parts of the play. Later confusion would allow writers to place the events in a compressed time frame. That is how these events are often stage-managed.

  • The apostles were a scraggly lot, and were paid actors, told to avoid bathing and to draw attention. Their job was to surround Jesus in his final days, making sure there was enough distraction to allow other aspects of the Passion Play and the procession to Calgary (the “crossocade”) and crucifixion to be played out without undue scrutiny from the crowds.
  • Pontius Pilate was a key player. He was the interrogator-in-chief, charged with creating that strange court scene that was later used as formal justification for the execution that never really took place. His job: gin up some charges and then turn the waiting Jesus over to the hired crowds of extras for a lynching.
  • “Spectators,” today called “crisis actors,” were selected in advance. They were part of a guild known as the Marbleshiners, after the men who polished monuments, and were sworn to secrecy. Their accounts would over time supplant actual events of the day.
  • The scene of the crucifixion, Calgary, was scouted long in advance and selected for its isolation. This allowed various players to come and go at will in the days and weeks leading up to the event. Parts of the event were staged in advance of that day, with two centurions, Maximus Curryios and Cassius Fritzius, hired to pronounce Jesus dead. It was all for show.
  • The two thieves, supposedly crucified at the same time, were in fact stunt men. Shortly after the fake Jesus corpse (possibly a wax dummy) was removed from the cross, and after sunset, they quietly climbed down and went home.
  • We cannot have a protagonist without the antagonist, Rubius Iscariot, who conveniently hanged himself when it was all over. No body was ever found, of course.

Here’s how they pulled it off: Shortly after the mock Pontius Pilate trial, eyes were drawn to a man carrying a cross through the streets of Jerusalem in what came to be known as the “Jerusalem crossocade.” Unknown to almost everyone, the real Jesus by that time had been replaced by a body double and had slipped around a corner, on his way to a Greek island.  It was an imposter (perhaps several) who was bearing the wooden cross. The various thorny “crowns” bloodied his face and served to distract onlookers, who did not notice features beyond the blood.

In the meantime an artist, standing on a wall near a divey bar known for its foul odors (a “gassy hole”), claimed to have captured the procession on parchment. It was hard to make anything out of his drawings, which were studied in detail over the ensuing centuries.

How do we know what we know? It seems three days later someone who looked a lot like Jesus was consorting with his apostles. There can only be one explanation – fake death, what we like to think of here at this website as a “reassignment.” After the Friday fireworks, new “Jesus” laid low for a few days, and then became Mr. Now-You-See-Me-Now-You-Don’t.” He was to say things like “It is better to believe without seeing with your own eyes.” He also teased his apostles, saying things like Hey! Look at my wounds! Wait! They’re gone!” and “I can prove it was me on that cross! I’ve got slivers in my ass!” Also, “Peter – pull my finger!”

The Jesus seen after the fake death bears some resemblance to the one who rode an ass into Jerusalem earlier, but I am thinking twins. Let’s examine this.

Jesus sxs

Number them one through five, left to right. Crazy as it seems, I think we are looking at two sets of twins.

John Twins
The John Twins

As have noted so often with twins that one will tend to be friendlier, more outgoing than the other. This would clearly be our man on the left, number one. He bears a strong resemblance to Number Two, as I am too sophisticated to be fooled by angular distortion. They are one and the same.

Paul Twins
The Paul Twins (the cute one)

Numbers Three and Five are obviously different light shadings of the same man, giving us two sets of twins! Just to distinguish them, I will call Twins One and Two the “John” twins, after the famous evangelist, and Three and Five the “Paul” twins, after the man who traveled far and wide and who wrote the epistles.

This leaves number Four, who is a mere body double, and not a twin. He indeed bears a resemblance to number one, but trust me, face chops will tell the story.

Here we go:

That is a chop of one and two, and another of one and three. One and Two are the same man, but the others not even close.

That is one and four on the left, again, not even close. Four, our ringer, just a body double, might have been used in the crossocade, but otherwise was not seen much. It is rare and very fortunate we even have an image that has survived the centuries.

But check out three and five! They are the same man.

So “Jesus,” post-crucifixion, is two sets of twins and a body double. This conclusion cannot escape our technology here.

But who is he, really?

We may never know. Original Jesus escaped to the Greek island of Skyros*, joined later by Mary Magdalene, who for public purposes fake-married the island’s overseer, the ship builder Basil Andrikopoloous. Behind the scenes, Jesus and Mary were still a couple.

The impostor(s) was (were) given a forty-day gig. They pulled off some miracles, notably the grand escape on a fiery chariot, an old Roman stage trick once used by Albinus Houdinius. But for the most part of their forty-day gig, they laid low. Writers were being queued and readied to record the epoch for posterity, and they did not want cognitive dissonance (yet to be invented) to trouble the people of Jerusalem. So maybe twenty people saw the impostor, tops. Their word was never enough to overcome the massive skepticism about a man rising from the dead. Even as the writers would spin tall tales of day turning into night and massive earthquakes, it was all without witnesses.

As we know, myths overcome reality in time.

Over the centuries there has been misdirection, confusion and rabbit holes. In the end, however, a resilient few would cling to the new truth: Jesus died for our sins. It’s a stretch of a connection, however. How can a man from 33AD (note the date) ex post facto wipe clean our current sins? It reads like the original precrime unit.

But hey – we’re Americans. We believe anything as long is authority figures back it up.


*One writer claims he was actually enlisted to serve on an underground ruling body, Jesus being “the Son” who rules in concert with the “Father” and “Holy Ghost.”

26 thoughts on “Jesus faked his death (and is twins)

  1. snerk That was too easy, Mark.

    Parody aside, your opening paragraph hits on a real problem for the Gospel story as literal history: the timing of the Entry into Jerusalem. The crowd was said to be waving palm fronds (Hebrew, lulavim). But the Passover season is too early for the new growth of palm fronds, small enough to wave, to have developed. Sort of like claiming that a crowd greeted the president on Inauguration Day with branches of cherry blossoms.

    The palm fronds fit better into the season of the Feast of Booths, or Sukkoth, in September or October. For this feast, the people would customarily cut branches from trees and chant Psalm 118 (which the Gospel puts into the mouths of the crowd greeting Jesus, Luke 19:38).

    Along the same line, the Gospels talk about Jesus looking for figs on a tree on his way into town, and cursing it for finding none. Who gets mad at a tree for not having fruit in the early spring? More likely, the story comes from mid-autumn, when a tree might be expected still to have some edible fruit on it. The non-giving tree that Jesus cursed hadn’t put out enough fruit to meet his expectations (let the reader understand). More evidence of an autumnal trip to Jerusalem.

    Just one among many clues that things did not happen as we commonly believe!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hilarious! But I tend to think Jesus was gay and Mary Magdalene was his beard. As for his mother’s “immaculate conception,” well that’s absurd. Obviously Jesus was a spook inserted into the family at a young age and Mary and Joseph were assigned as his handlers.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Looking at the pics I suspect if you were a six foot plus blue eyed blond in the swarthy first century Levant, I doubt you would need 12 locals to help with PR. The crowds would swarm on their own to get a close look at this very lost Viking.


  4. BTW, this post isn’t that far removed from Joe Atwill’s Caesar’s Messiah hypothesis. Josephus was apparently publishing satire, not actual history, per Atwill.


      1. This is the forum that supports Atwill- He and Jerry Russell have an interesting podcast posted here-
        JFKTV was critiqued briefly on one of the podcasts- Richard Stanley, the main writer, supports the secret resort for zombies- Russell doesn’t, quite- (I asked Stanley if he was a Stanley-Stanley and he said he was a very, very low branch- Atwill is a Randolph and decends from Thomas Jefferson’s wife, making him a relative of Jennifer Lawrence, and Russell isn’t sure if he’s a Russell-Russell, ala Bertrand)
        Here’s a pdf of Caesar’s Messiah:


    1. I was raised in a strict Catholic household, with an older brother becoming a priest. While I rejected the faith after becoming an adult, I have no problem with anyone who chooses to be religious. It makes people happy, it harms no one.

      This is April 1st, ergo, you’ve been April Fooled.


  5. Ahah this is brilliant Mark!
    Really enjoyed it!

    Religion wise I’m sorry to say that Americans are amongst the most gullible people on Earth.
    Even most Italians don’t give a damn about religion, although they like to pose as true catholic believers for folklore reasons.


      1. Nope. Some priests are celebrating Mass on TV.
        You didn’t see the Pope the other day celebrating Mass outside St. Peter’s under a pouring rain, all alone and with the sound of an ambulance in the background at some point?

        It was horrendous. For many catholics it’s the sign of the end of times, for me it was just another show by a fake Pope.


  6. You can do magic. The post is dated 2020 but I see comments from 2017. I got it was April’s Fool until the very end!!


  7. Fuel for the fire.

    April 1st is also both April Fool’s Day and (unofficially) Molly Ivins Day. The latter refers to this key verse: “The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God.” (Psalm 14:1 KJV)


    1. Swede, this is a spoof, in part of me and the type of work I have done. It is just for laughs, as people’s beliefs are their own business. I am not making fun of religious belief. Also, it is loaded with JFK assassination allusions (gassy hole = grassy knoll), which was my original intent, to make the crucifixion into a Dealey Plaza like fake event.


  8. Kidding aside, a researcher named Francesco Carotta wrote a book called
    “Jesus Was Caesar ” in which he tried to prove that the Gospels were Greek “transliterations” of a lost Latin biography of Divus Julius, the Divine Julius, the true murdered savior-god-king. Funny that Mark mentions a wax figure, as Carotta theorizes that the original crucifix was really an effigy of Caesar’s corpse fastened to a Roman tropheum (ceremonial cross) for his funeral by order of Mark Antony. The old Catholic Mass was basically a re-enactment of the funeral…


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