By Guest Writer Scott RC
Over the past year and a half, as I argued with friends and family about the absurdities of the Covid narrative, many of them speculated my objections must stem from a lack of belief in science.
I now realize how right they were. I was a heathen. I didn’t believe.
But recently, I made a discovery… and the scales fell from my eyes.
Like others who follow this blog, I’ve read lots of the scientific studies media and government officials point to when claiming “science supports” whatever they say about Covid. We know these papers prove nothing. They offer no credible evidence. Many are not, and never will be, published in established scientific journals. Yet their mere existence confers the blessing of scientific “support.”
As long as the authors use impenetrable language to describe scientific-sounding work on a hypothesis… and as long as the media likes that hypothesis… voilà! Lo-and-behold, science supports it!
At that point, the hypothesis emerges from the cocoon of imagination, spreads its wings, and manifests into glorious reality.
Come to think of it, it’s a lot like the Law of Attraction—a concept I’m embarrassed to admit I once believed in.
Man, was I stupid. The Law of Attraction never supported any of my hopes and dreams. Not a single one.
But yesterday, I took one of my most seemingly impossible, completely ridiculous fantasies, and I offered it up to science.
Science supports it!
Well, I mean, it will support it. Soon. Probably. I just need to get the media to say it does. I’m no trillionaire, so most of the “trusted” news sources will probably ignore my scientific paper. But the hypothesis is so sensational—so clickbait-worthy—and news outlets are so delightfully flexible about facts that I’m pretty sure at least one of them will pick it up. And once that happens, social media will definitely take notice.
For most of my life, my science-denying views have made me a pariah. A social outcast. A total loser. But it looks like that’s about to change.
Hey, I’m going to miss you all. Please know that, as I make the rounds of talk shows and negotiate lucrative book and movie deals, I’ll think back fondly, and often, on all the good times we used to have. Conspiracy theory’s been fun—it really has—but, you’ve got to admit, not believing anything gets to be a drag after a while.
Now—praise be to Fauci!—I BELIEVE! I BELIEVE!!!
Department of Navel, Genitalia and Perineum Studies
Comparative study of Hypothetically largest human Phallus in the world with representative samples from u.s. males using computer modeling and mathematical analysis
The human phallus comes in many sizes, and these sizes may be measured and quantified in a variety of ways. Phallus size is most commonly described in terms of length. In cases where length is determined to be suboptimal, circumference is often used. However, phallus size may also be assessed according to volume, mass, density, and elasticity. Elasticity measurements are especially useful, as they allow scientists to calculate sexualmaxi resonance for cannona (srC) in cases where expansion capabilities may not have been fully realized under direct observation. The Griesidic formula incorporates all of these measurements and provides the greatest degree of accuracy; however, many scientists are content to use nothing more than length and/or circumference when conducting comparative studies. This state of affairs has led to controversy among academics over the hypothesis that the phallus of the author, a 51-year-old Caucasian male, is the largest in the world. Due to the challenges of obtaining accurate data on the phalli of living human males across all geographical areas of Earth (which, for the purpose of this study, is defined as “the world”), we limited our investigation to the overall size of the author’s phallus relative to the estimated phallus sizes of representative samples of males residing, or believed to reside, in the United States, using photographs and video stills selected from an array of sources over the course of an exhaustive Internet search.
Measurements of the author’s phallus were taken at three separate times (morning, afternoon, and evening) over the course of one day. Various forms of primarily visual stimuli, derived from digital and print sources, were used to actuate a comprehensive range of tumescence levels. Photographic images of the tumescent phalli of men throughout the United States were then collected from a variety of websites and social media accounts. Though every effort was made to include representative samples for all demographics, poor lighting, selective framing, and unreliable self-reporting often prevented authoritative determinations of race, age, income level, and body weight. Men between the ages of (presumably) 18 to (definitively) 75 were represented in 1,947 samples. Men older than 75 were excluded due to the difficulty of obtaining reliable photographic samples. The selected images were then entered into the Buttafuchs 3-D digital modeling system, and the appropriate measurements were made.
Measurement data from the author’s phallus and the representative computer model samples was assessed using the Griesidic formula:
The author’s phallus was assigned an overall size value of 81.11911 ± 1.01801 srR. The largest phallus from the computer model samples was determined to be 80.99999 ± 4.98989 srC.
Further study is warranted, but at this time, our results strongly suggest that the author might have the largest human phallus in the United States. In the event that no human males located in other countries or geographical regions are found to have larger phalli, the author’s phallus then may be tentatively postulated as being the largest on Earth (i.e., the world).