I haven’t been around much lately because, well… life. Also, much like Nero fiddling while Rome burned, I have spent my time working through the musical jungle of the 1980s—900 albums, give or take a few synthesizers. Ay Caramba!
In my infinite wisdom (or questionable judgment), I have decided to rank my Top 80 Songs of the 80s—a truly Herculean, thankless endeavor. And since I’m still wading through the final albums of 1989 I figured, why not make things even more ridiculous? Thus, I present my own makeshift version of the Grammy Awards, which I have oh-so-cleverly named… The Starrys. (Insert collective groan here.)
As a child of the 70s, I once dismissed 80s music as artificial, overproduced fluff. Picture a serious, earthy Linda Ronstadt from the 70s standing next to a technicolor explosion that is Cyndi Lauper, and you’ll understand my former perspective. But, in a rare moment of self-reflection, I must admit that my younger self was wrong. Turns out, 80s music is not only livelier and technologically superior but also way more fun. Of course, that doesn’t mean I won’t mercilessly mock it along the way.
So, without further ado, let me introduce the first (and almost certainly last) installment of the 1980s Starry Awards—proudly hosted by the disorienting duo of k.d. lang and Boy George!
The 1980s Starry Awards
Most Promising Trend
- Rap & Hip-Hop
Most Discouraging Trend
- Gangsta Rap
Most Vulgar (Tie)
- 2 Live Crew
- Eazy-E
- Too Short
Most Righteous (Christian Rock Royalty)
- Amy Grant
Most Overrated (Tie)
- U2
- Beastie Boys
- Bruce Springsteen
- Ice-T
Heaviest Metal Rockers (Tie)
- Megadeth
- Mötley Crüe
- Iron Maiden
Hardest Rockers (Tie)
- Judas Priest
- Scorpions
- Whitesnake
- The Cult
- Guns N’ Roses
Top Last Gasper (Still Hanging On)
- Molly Hatchet
Best Comeback (Tie)
- Aerosmith (Pump)
- Roy Orbison
Most Delayed Breakout
- Bonnie Raitt (Nick of Time)
Top Beatles Revival (Tie)
- George Harrison (Cloud Nine, Traveling Wilburys)
- John Lennon (Double Fantasy, The Dakota “Assassination”) … too soon?
Most Comedic Artists (Tie)
- Sir Mix-a-Lot
- Rick James
- Tone Lōc
- Traveling Wilburys
Pointlessly Promoted Princesses
- Kim Carnes
- Sheena Easton
- Teena Marie
- Pebbles
- Laura Branigan
- Bonnie Tyler
- Sheila E.
- Debbie Gibson
- Tiffany
- Lita Ford
- Martika
- Taylor Dayne
- Alannah Myles
Best Performance by a Miss America/Penthouse “Model”
- Vanessa Williams
Hang It Up Already (Artists Who Should’ve Stopped) (Tie)
- Rod Stewart
- James Taylor
- Jefferson Starship
- Olivia Newton-John
- Bad Company
- KISS
- Neil Diamond
- Barbra Streisand
- Barry Manilow
- David Bowie
- Gladys Knight
- Styx
- Heart
- Boston
- Chicago
- Grateful Dead
Biggest Head-Scratchers (How Were These Popular?)
- Al Jarreau
- Kenny G.
- Aldo Nova
- Krokus
- Michael Bolton
- Zebra
- Fat Boys
- Falco
- Chris De Burgh
- Bruce Willis
- Milli Vanilli
Over the past several months, I have willingly subjected myself to approximately 900 albums from the 1980s. If we generously estimate an average of eight songs per album (a number so conservative it might run for office), that means a staggering 7,200 songs have infiltrated my brain like a neon-infused invasion.
Now, I have whittled my contenders for the Top 80 Songs of the 80s down to 200+ tracks, a grueling process to be sure. But before I unleash my definitive list, I’m sharing 35 additional songs that I thoroughly enjoyed—though they never quite achieved “hit” status. They aren’t deep cuts either, as they appeared on major-selling albums, so let’s call them “hidden gems” (or “hidden lumps of coal,” depending on your taste).
Mathematically speaking, my 300 enjoyable songs out of 7,200 equates to roughly 4%—meaning a whopping 96% of what I listened to ranged from ‘meh’ to ‘please remove my ears with a spork.’ Now, this doesn’t mean the remaining 96% was pure filler—there was plenty of well-crafted heavy metal and hard rock, but as a genre, it just doesn’t do it for me.
Still, I can’t think of any other industry where mass-producing subpar content is this profitable—except, of course, for Big Food, which has spent decades poisoning us in the name of convenience. Come to think of it, almost everything they manufacture for our orifices is either subpar, toxic, or both. But hey, let’s not dwell on that! Instead, let’s celebrate these underrated 80s anomalies—songs I loved, even if the rest of the world didn’t.
Hidden Gems (Or Potential Ear Poison, You Decide)
📀 AMERICA – Prince
📀 CAN’T STOP – After 7
📀 COOL CAT – Queen
📀 DREAM ATTACK – New Order
📀 DROPPIN’ EM – LL Cool J
📀 EDGE OF THE WORLD – Faith No More
📀 GYPSY ROAD – Cinderella
📀 HEAVEN – The Rolling Stones
📀 HOT HOT HOT!!! – The Cure
📀 I LIKE TO – Men at Work
📀 I WANNA BE YOURS – Kenny G (yes, you read that correctly)
📀 JUNEBUG – The B-52’s
📀 KEEP IT HOT – Cameo
📀 LEND ME AN EAR – The D.O.C.
📀 LIL’ DEVIL – The Cult
📀 MONKEY ON MY BACK – Aerosmith
📀 MR. BROWNSTONE – Guns ‘N Roses
📀 NICETY – Michel’le
📀 OTHER ARMS – Robert Plant
📀 POP ALONG KID – Shalamar
📀 PORTRAIT OF A MASTERPIECE – The D.O.C.
📀 PUT ON YOUR OLD BROWN SHOES – Supertramp
📀 RED BOX – Simply Red
📀 SAY NO GO – De La Soul
📀 SO BAD – Paul McCartney
📀 STRUT – Sheena Easton
📀 TEARS ARE NOT ENOUGH – ABC
📀 THE BREAKTHROUGH – LL Cool J
📀 THIS IS LOVE – George Harrison
📀 U BRING THE FREAK OUT – Rick James
📀 WANDERLUST – Paul McCartney
📀 WHEN YOU’RE ALONE – Bruce Springsteen
📀 WILD FLOWER – The Cult
📀 YOU AND I – Fleetwood Mac
📀 YOU HAPPY PUPPET – 10,000 Maniacs
And there you have it—35 musical gems that may or may not deserve the title. Maybe you’ll find a new favorite. Maybe you’ll wonder if I have any taste at all. Either way, stay tuned for the final Top 80 of the 80s list, where the real nostalgia showdown begins!
Piece of Mindful 
Not bad except you completely missed college radio, for which the 1980s was a golden era. For those bands I start with the Fall (if you haven’t heard them they are better than all these bands above by a country mile), Husker Du, the Replacements, X, Psychedelic Furs and all the hardcore punk that was around – Suicidal Tendencies, Circle Jerks, Meat Puppets. You can even add the Dead Kennedy and Meat Puppets, all great bands IMO.
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I try to clear that I am ranking TOP-SELLING POPULAR MUSIC of the 80s. If an album did not go GOLD or PLATINUM then it is not eligible. That did not give me much exposure to any of the bands on your list. I even stressed that I can’t call the songs I listed as “deep” cuts because they were by mainstream/top-selling acts.
I appreciate your input and I agree that those bands are more adventurous and creative, though not as accessible for the casual music fan.
I do like the Psychedelic Furs and The Fall. I was also a huge fan of X and played the bejesus out of “More Fun in the New World” as a teen. As for hardcore punk, I just can’t go there…never could.
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Very good, I see the constraints now. I don’t see Eddie Grant or Huey Louis and the News, who produced some decent singles.
As far as hardcore punk most of it is crap. But at least it was DIY (I had a high school friend who made the scene without any promotion) with some decent local bands (to me in NH) like the Queers. I really love the irreverence of the punk bands from that era, where anything was fair game. For example, Love Songs for the Retarded was one of the Queers better albums (1992).
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You’re gonna love (and by love I mean despise) my top 80 of the 80s list. LOL
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I think my case of distaste for the 80s comes down to big hair and drum machines. I have on my truck access to SiriusXM channels that cover every genre, and I have settled on two classical stations, classic vinyl, 70s, 80s, some soft rock and a 60s channel that is devoted to the music before the big bustout fueled by the Beatles/Stones etc. I also have six comedy channels and three sports channels. For while I was listening to the BB King channel (Bluesville*, SXM74), but did not stop often enough to claim any kind of lasting affection. They did play a BB King interview in which he claimed that “all cops and judges are Freemasons”, https://pieceofmindful.com/2023/08/10/amazing-bb-king-interview/, a critical self-expose’.
Most of what I stop to listen to derives from the 70s channel.
I once did an interview with a local college professor who asked to be interviewed, and who wanted to expound on the one thing in music that attracted him … tunefulness. Yes, he was stuck on the Beatles, but there was a lot of stuff from that era that qualified. I might call that, looking in the mirror, laziness – I don’t want to understand anything other than what I like to listen to while driving. Around the house, I never play music. Heavy metal, rap, all that stuff that gives new meaning to noise, forget it. I cannot go there. I am boring.
Yesterday during my morning workout I landed on Beethoven’s Ninth, and told my wife that Leonard Bernstein erred when he split the 4th movement into two, a 4th and 5th. That was, I thought , a bit pompous. Talking to another man there (an engineer) who claimed that classical was just noise to him, I realized how we all form deep-seated patterns of listening. And now you know all you need to know about me and music, I am boring! I would never, however, suggest to anyone that they should listen to this or that because it it something I like. Music is personal.
*Asked to define what “blues” is, Louis Armstrong said something like “It’s when your woman as let another mule into the stall.” I’m not even close on that quote, but am not looking it up either.
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In my first marriage, another life and time that I look upon with deep regret, she and her family could not gather without having Irish music playing … Tommy Makem and others, yip yip yip, up the long ladder and down the short rope … it drove me nuts, especially knowing the the matriarch of the clam only pretended to be Irish. She was either half or quarter German. It was her sister to told me this, as her sister was as fed up as I was with all the Irish bullshit.
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Again, this is just a cleansing process for me. I am merely sharing my results. I have now cherry-picked my favorites from 1930-1990 and those eras are now in my rear view mirror, never to return. It feels great, like a weight has been lifted.
In my attempt to “rank” the top 80 songs of the 80s I soon realized that the distinction between songs is so slight that it renders the entire endeavor pointless. Despite more “artistic freedom” and “inclusiveness” the music got more homogenized…and dare i say…degraded. Yes, I am boring too.
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Hip Hop and Rap (like to-day’s Grime) are anti-music. Nothing promising there, dumbed down music for the dumbed down sheeple. At least you can hum a U2 song.
The worse journey of my life was sharing a taxi from hospital with the radio playing this crap with the nodding dog of a taxi driver whose English was limited to say the least.
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