Senior citizen tales

Last Friday I was washing windows. In our dining room we have four windows that are too high to reach, and require an extension ladder. I have one of those, and old one, but functional. The problem with it is sharp corners, as I learned that day.

I remember fixing a toilet in the last few years and in a tight space where it is so hard to reach the seat bolts. I have a power wrench that comes in handy, and so used it to reach the back bolts that were otherwise hard to get at, and I let one go too long and the entire toilet fell apart before my eyes. Ceramic will do that. Months later I related this story to my cousin’s husband, and he said “You never want to use a power tool on a toilet.” That was such obvious advice that I wanted to slap him, but instead I said “Now you tell me.” (I like the guy. He’s a musician, a piano/horn player, and a really good one. Deep inside I want to be a musician. They tried to recruit me for my singing voice in high school. I regret turning them down. It never occurred to me to say yes.)

I offer that so as to avoid the obvious advice I am going to get for my latest transgression against common sense. I put the extension ladder up so that the end was maybe twelve feet high, and crawled up, removed the blinds from the window, and lowered them down. Then I realized that the corners of the ladder were making gouges in the wall. I went and got the paint can to fix that, but before proceeding took the ten-foot step ladder and put it under the extension ladder, and then put a towel over the top of the ladder so it would not gouge anymore.

Then I went up the ladder to paint. Fortunately I had only the paint lid in my hand, as it was just a touch-up job. I am guessing my head was 10-11 feet off the ground when I felt the legs begin to move backwards. First slowly, and then rapidly, and I realized that “I am f*****.” All I could do was try to plan the fall, as there was no stopping it. I really cannot say what I did except one thing – I got my hands free. I did not want the ladder breaking my fingers on impact.

It made a huge sound, and I lay there in pain. I was gauging the damage as my wife came running. At last, able to move, I got up on my knees, and as I did blood poured off my leg like soda out of a can. I had a very deep gouge there, and I knew it was going to require urgent care. My wife, always calm in emergencies, offered to call an ambulance, but I refused, merely asking her to drive me to Urgent Care. She did, and several hours later I was fixed up.

I ended up with two wounds, one minor, and the one in my leg a deep one requiring eight stitches. But honestly, I felt I was a lucky man. The fall could have shattered bones, and I could have landed at an angle instead of flat, perhaps breaking shoulder or ribs or pelvis. I’ll trade any of that for the leg wound.

What I had done, a huge mistake, was to create a slippery area under the ladder where I placed the towel. I’m going to have to call my cousin’s husband, whom I like by the way, (did I say that?) so he can tell me “You never want to make it easy for a ladder to slide out from under you.”

What I am realizing now, with the pain at low intensity and fully manageable, is that it will be a while before I can hike or even be on my feet for an extended time. At the gym I usually do a brisk ten on the treadmill to warm up my body so as to not shock it with deep bends and pushup and weights. I simply have to avoid the gym for at least a week so that the stitches don’t pop when I get there. When I get back there, I don’t know … we’ll see. This is a setback.

But as I told my daughter-in-law about the event, I consider myself a lucky man. I did something very dangerous, and ended up with a wound, but no broken bones.

The next day, Saturday, I took the ladder to the local landfill. I had landed flat on it, which probably saved me by spreading my weight. One of the aluminum rungs was badly bent, and the sharp corners were what caused the wound and made it easy to dispatch it. I thought about getting another 12-foot ladder, a step, but priced them and they are way too much for four windows and a couple of light bulbs in that room.

And anyway, my wife says “No!” She says I don’t listen well, but this time her words have sunk in.